Saturday, November 19, 2011
How to Write Your Stupid Book: Tip 1
I get a number of emails from fans and writers and also a few from weirdoes. Assuming you’re a fan or writer, chances are good you’ve asked the question “When is your next book coming out?”
Maybe you’ve shouted it in all caps or sent it in accusing mother-guilt tone (It’s been a long time since you wrote your last book and I’m patiently waiting). To that I say, I’m sorry. I am writing. I’m just not selling at the present time. But I'm doing everything I can to remedy that and so is my agent. You’ll be the first to know when I sell the next book. Well, maybe you won’t be the first but you’ll definitely be up there on my top 100.
If you’re a fan who’s also a wannabe writer you may have sent me the second most asked question, “What writing advice can you give me?" If you’re a weirdo you may have asked, “What color panties do you wear when you write?”
I’ve decided to do some random blogging to hopefully answer the wannabe writer inside of you. I won’t be tackling any panty questions. At least not today.
Tip number one is what I like to call: BICHOK. (Pronounced Bick Hock)
I didn’t coin this term. Within certain circles of my writing clan we’ve been known to say, “Off to BICHOK.” Or “Gotta go BICHOK.” Or even "Someone kick me in the ass and tell me to go BICHOK."
BICHOK = Butt In Chair Hands On Keyboard -- put your ass in a chair and use ass glue if you need to.
The only way to get that best seller written is to write it.
Sounds simple. It’s not.
Sounds like I’m mocking you. I am.
I hear it a thousand times at book signings and in random conversations at cocktail parties.
People say, “Hey, you’re a writer? That's cool. I’ve always wanted to write a book.”
And I always say, “You should do that.”
But I’m always thinking, “You’ll never do it.”
It’s not that they’re not smarter because they could be and, hey, they might even wear nicer underwear when at their computer too. But people can SAY anything but most people lack what they need. They lack the BICHOK.
And for the record, BICHOK should actually be BICHOKWBNOFOE (Butt In Chair Hands On Keyboard Writing Book Not On Facebook Or Email) but that would be really awkward to say.
So you wanna write? Go write. The only thing stopping you is you.