Saturday, November 19, 2011

How to Write Your Stupid Book: Tip 1


I get a number of emails from fans and writers and also a few from weirdoes. Assuming you’re a fan or writer, chances are good you’ve asked the question “When is your next book coming out?”

Maybe you’ve shouted it in all caps or sent it in accusing mother-guilt tone (It’s been a long time since you wrote your last book and I’m patiently waiting). To that I say, I’m sorry. I am writing. I’m just not selling at the present time. But I'm doing everything I can to remedy that and so is my agent. You’ll be the first to know when I sell the next book. Well, maybe you won’t be the first but you’ll definitely be up there on my top 100.

If you’re a fan who’s also a wannabe writer you may have sent me the second most asked question, “What writing advice can you give me?" If you’re a weirdo you may have asked, “What color panties do you wear when you write?”

I’ve decided to do some random blogging to hopefully answer the wannabe writer inside of you. I won’t be tackling any panty questions. At least not today.

Tip number one is what I like to call: BICHOK. (Pronounced Bick Hock)

I didn’t coin this term. Within certain circles of my writing clan we’ve been known to say, “Off to BICHOK.” Or “Gotta go BICHOK.” Or even "Someone kick me in the ass and tell me to go BICHOK."

BICHOK = Butt In Chair Hands On Keyboard -- put your ass in a chair and use ass glue if you need to.

The only way to get that best seller written is to write it.

Sounds simple. It’s not.
Sounds like I’m mocking you. I am.

I hear it a thousand times at book signings and in random conversations at cocktail parties.

People say, “Hey, you’re a writer? That's cool. I’ve always wanted to write a book.”

And I always say, “You should do that.”

But I’m always thinking, “You’ll never do it.”

It’s not that they’re not smarter because they could be and, hey, they might even wear nicer underwear when at their computer too. But people can SAY anything but most people lack what they need. They lack the BICHOK.

And for the record, BICHOK should actually be BICHOKWBNOFOE (Butt In Chair Hands On Keyboard Writing Book Not On Facebook Or Email) but that would be really awkward to say.

So you wanna write? Go write. The only thing stopping you is you.

16 comments:

Anonymous said...

hahahah ok I may have emailed asking you for help lol. Is that your butt in the picture

B.E. Sanderson said...

Exactly. Stop talking about how you could write a book and just write the dang book. (Which is probably what I should be doing right this moment, but I'm reading blogs instead. LOL)

Hope Chastain said...

Oh, how true! (Although, being teddiby refeened, I usually refer to it as Behind In Chair, etc. *g*)
However, if I hadn't gone to Facebook to see how many people I needed to wish Happy Birthday today, I wouldn't have found the link to this blog post. (That being said, I'm still a LONG way from having my NaNo book finished, and then there's So You Think You Can Write due before Dec. 15th... Time to abandon all computer activity except writing!)
Thanks, Wendy!

Wendy Roberts said...

Anon, yes, that is my butt lol!

B.E. reading blogs is okay. Especially SOME blogs. Just say'n hee hee

Hope, thanks for bringing your teddiby refeened "behind" here for a visit!

Kris Starr said...

Amen, Wendy.

There's no magical, mysterious secret to writing a book. You just have to SIT DOWN and WRITE the damned thing. That's it.

The fact that sometimes it feels like pulling teeth to get the words onscreen, well...that's another story. ;)

Wendy Roberts said...

Kris, it's true. Amazing we don't see more authors with dentures on account of all the teeth pulling ;)

Marianna Annadanna said...

I'm still not clear on what's happening in that top photo...

PS - WHY AREN'T YOU WRITING?! (j/k)

Wendy Roberts said...

I am writing, Marianna. I'm writing you right now in between writing my manuscript but I had to stop to come and write you which still counts as writing even if it's not writing writing ... if you know what I mean *snort*
P.S. stop staring at the pic of me trying to glue my ass. If you keep looking at it you'll go blind

Katsidhe said...

Best and truest advice that one can give, followed by read.

(Good material, that is.)

((Though bad material can sometimes help by illustrating what not to do.))

(((Or any material if Tequila is involved.)))

((((I'm finished now.))))

Christine said...

So, when a writer comes "unglued" it simply means they are doing something else... Lol

Wendy Roberts said...

Katside, yes, reading is required. A neighbor once told me she wanted to write but didn't know where to start because she didn't like to read. Crazy!!!

Christine, unglued means they're not working and there is usually large consumption of alcohol involved.

Wendy Norris Roberts said...

Gee I love how you have turned the guilt back around on all of us! Very well, begone! Get off of the Facebook and the Blogger and all of that time wasting foolery, and get thee hence to writing a book woman! LOL

Wendy Roberts said...

Oh yee of little faith, Wendy! I have been writing. Finished an entire new book a couple months ago (agent is shopping it) and started a new book this month. There's a great saying, "You can't row someone else ashore without going there yourself." So hop on and let me row you so we can BOTH get there lol!

Wendy Roberts said...

Oops hit send too early. You're right, Wendy, that I'm guilty of my own distractions. It's weird but, in my case, when I'm writing a lot, I'm also wanting to rub shoulders with all of you so I don't feel alone in this. So, yes, I'm using you. mwahahahaha

Lauren said...

So yep I'm totally one of those "I've always wanted to write a book" people. I don't know that I will ever actually do it. A blog may be as close as I ever get. I think it's because I'm lazy.

Wendy Roberts said...

Lauren, when the muse hits you just might take to writing a novel ... or maybe one day you'll sell a book that has a collection of your blog posts!